My Wound

John Eldredge once wrote “A wound that goes unacknowledged and unwept is a wound that cannot heal.” I’ve read a couple of his books, and in Wild at Heart, he talked about how every man has been given a wound from his father, and in the process of becoming a man, he must acknowledge that wound, and heal from it. I have struggled to pinpoint exactly what, if any, my one wound from my father is/was - I have thought one or two different things, but am still trying to figure it out. But we have other wounds dealt to us in life as well. I want to talk about one of my biggest.

When it first started happening, it angered me greatly. Over time, I began to recognize the pattern, and have struggled to understand it. To this day, it continues to hurt me, time and again. Paul talked about having a thorn in his flesh that he couldn’t get rid of. He prayed to God that He would remove it, and God responded with, “My grace is sufficient for you.” Meaning, I’m not removing it, it has a purpose, look to me to get through it and learn from it. It’s part of you for a reason. I don’t make mistakes.

My wound? Rejection. I think that’s the right word for it. I’ve never tried to put a name on it until this evening. Allow me to cite several examples that will give the full picture of this pain. I have had a decent amount of friendships that I would have considered very good friendships. In these friendships, I always tried to do my best at the give and take system. You call me, I call you, you call me, etc. Anytime anyone emails, calls, or visits me - I do my best to return it to them in short order, to continue being a good friend. But I can’t tell you how many times I have had a friend just never get back to me. Everything’s going fine, we are talking on a regular basis, and then bam, nothing. They just stop emailing or calling. No reason, they just close the door in my face.

I used to try to fight it, to overcome it. Maybe something’s wrong on their end. Maybe I said something that offended them. Maybe… whatever. So I try to call and email several more times, looking for any kind of response, any explanation as to what’s happened - why things have changed. And I always get - nothing. It’s as if the relationship never existed. There was one time this happened with a sort-of ex-girlfriend, who I thought was still close with me. The same thing happened - one day, the channel just turned off and I was getting nothing back. Because I cared more about her than a regular friendship, I pushed and pushed to get a response. Finally she answered the phone one day and I’ll never forget what she said. Essentially, “You just can’t take a hint can you? I never called you back because I didn’t want to. I don’t want to talk to you anymore - why could you not see that after all this time?” The words fell on me like a ton of bricks. I had never thought it was because she didn’t want anything to do with me anymore. I assumed better, and I was wrong.

After that experience, I began to “take the hint” earlier. I am very sensitive to this now in relationships. If I email someone and they don’t email back, I basically leave the ball in their court. I’m not going to plead anymore for someone to “like” me. If they don’t write back, I take the hint. And it hurts every time. And it’s happened more than I would have expected it to. And as you can imagine, I highly value someone who is good about their interactions with me in a friendship. Now, I’m not needy - I’m fine with the interactions being spaced out, especially with long-distance friends. But if I call and leave a message, if it’s returned, I rejoice. If it’s not, although it hurts, I take the hint.

But that’s not the whole of it. There’s another element as well. For a long time now (more than 5 years), I’ve been looking for a mentor. I would just like an older man to take me under his wing and help me become a better man. I want to be asked difficult questions, challenged with the direction of my life, held accountable for my actions, and taught spiritually as well. This is one of the areas I have thought might be a wound from my own father. I’ve tried a couple of times to engage him as an adult, and been turned down. I’ve asked if he wanted to do a daily devotional together and talk about it each day, and he said no. I started looking elsewhere. I sought out a man I know and respect very much and proposed the idea to him, but it never really took off. There was a pastor who I really admire who taught a community men’s Bible study that I attended for a while who I asked about being my mentor. I got no response. I tried having another guy I know mentor me - he was actually interested in the idea and did give it an honest try, but he just wasn’t really a compatible match with me, and I ended it after a few months. I have looked and looked for someone to fill this role, and everyone essentially turns me down, or lets me down. I feel rejected.

I don’t know why this stuff happens to me. I’m not complaining that life’s unfair or that I have it harder than anyone else - nothing like that. For whatever reason though, I just felt very strongly that I should write about this tonight - be transparent and just talk about a wound I have in my spiritual flesh. This is something that hurts me regularly, and I can’t seem to get rid of it. God’s (difficult) answer to me is the same as it was to Paul - “I’m all you need. I’m enough. My grace will get you through, but I’m not removing it. It’s there for a reason and you’re just going to have to trust me.”

I read a really good book a while back called “The Divine Mentor” by Wayne Cordeiro. It talked about how God and the people of the Bible are all the mentor(s) we could ever need, so we must engage in the Bible and let it mentor us. I have done this, and it’s been very helpful. But I won’t say that it’s wiped away my desire for a human mentor here and now. And no amount of Bible studying will make people stop rejecting me. The good news is that many people have not rejected me. I have one friend from high school who I still stay in touch with, and one from college as well. And a good lot of friends here and now. I am blessed, but I am also wounded. Unfortunately, in this life, things are never one way or the other - but mostly both. We live in the grey space, and it’s often confusing and hard to figure out. We just need to keep seeking God through it all and trust Him when he says, “I’m enough for you, no matter what happens.”