The Dilemma of the Missing Father

I’ve been reading a book that’s teaching me about writing. One of the big lessons I learned was that in every story, there are problems that carry the story forward, but those are mainly on the surface. Deep below are the dilemmas, things that aren’t actually discussed, but that show that there are more serious things going on that are deeper, and that can’t really be solved in an episode - things that are more universal and underlying in everyone’s lives.

Now that I’ve learned this, I am beginning to see below the surface in TV shows, movies, and books that I read. I am learning to see the dilemmas that underlie the problems up on the surface. An example. One of my son’s favorite shows is “Fireman Sam,” a Welsh animated show about fire safety. Now that I’ve watched a few hundred episodes, something has become obvious to me. There is a character named Norman Price, and he’s often referred to as a menace and trouble-maker. And in almost every episode, he definitely is the cause of most of the trouble. But what I’ve noticed is how often he’s asking one of the men in the show to spend time with him. He wants one guy to teach him to build a model rocket, another to teach him to sail, another to teach him how to build paper airplanes, etc. And, as you might have guessed, Norman doesn’t have a father in the show. On the surface, Norman flies a paper airplane onto a hot stove, it catches fire and he gets in trouble. But the dilemma in that show (further below the surface) was that Norman was trying to get an adult man to spend time with him and he was trying to gain their approval and got into trouble in the process. And someone ended up spending time with him at the end of the episode, and the paper airplane playing went well then.

It seemed obvious to me that the show was not only making a point about fire safety, but also about the need boys have for a father figure in their lives. And numerous studies and statistics exist that point to a direct correlation between boys who have no father around and the trouble that they get into. I don’t mean that in a generic sense, that fatherless boys are always trouble - but I mean they have a much more difficult time as children, and even later as adults, because of not having a functional and loving father around.

I spent a year a while back as a Behavioral Support Specialist, during which I mentored two boys, one age 6, and one age 13. The 6 year old got into trouble at school almost daily - foul language, fighting, not obeying rules, and also had more serious problems at home that included setting things on fire and hurting himself. The 13 year old did okay in school but was very closed off from most people, didn’t do most of what he was asked to do around home, and wanted to spend every waking hour playing video games. Both of these boys had serious issues going on, and neither of them had a father figure around. One’s was in jail, and when he wasn’t, he avoided his son. The other had likely never met his and was in foster care, with no male adult in the house. My time with them was mainly spent doing things a father would have done with them. We’d go to the river to fish and skip rocks, we’d throw a football, I’d check up on their schoolwork and social life, etc. I’d mainly show interest in what they were interested in, and spend time with them, encouraging them, and modeling what a functional adult man was like. And we also talked about some of the hard things too, about people they know going to jail, about kids at school saying mean things, about things that made them upset. It was amazing to see how quickly both of them turned things around. But I don’t think I provided a special service; it was more like just inserting a father-figure into their lives. There was a gap that needed to be filled. The saddest part of that program (that I wasn’t aware of when I started) was that once the kids had turned their behavior around and were doing well, the therapist (me) was pulled of the case. The counseling center failed to see that this wasn’t about getting the kid set straight and then he’s fine - it was about having a father figure around and filling a huge gap in their lives. I don’t know how either of them are doing now, but I would imagine they’ve both still had difficult times because neither of them have fathers in their lives still.

That was one of the best experiences for me to have prior to becoming a father. I take my role as a father very seriously - not just to be around, but to teach my kids, show interest in what they’re interested in, play with them, love on them, encourage them. I’ve seen families where there is a father around and the kids still have problems - because the father isn’t PRESENT with the kids. He’s in the house, but he’s not interested in them. He helps out, but only as little as he can get by with, and he shows his annoyance while doing it. Many dads assume it’s the mother’s role to raise the kids, but that’s 50% wrong. It’s the job of BOTH parents to raise the kids. Each parent gives the kids things that are vital to their healthy maturity and development. Fathers who are there, but who don’t proactively take part in raising their kids almost do as much damage as the fathers who aren’t even there. As fathers, we must take an active, loving role in the lives of our children. I quote this often, but it rings so true:

It is easier to build strong children than to repair broken men.

- Frederick Douglass

I would imagine this almost directly applies the same way to girls as it does to boys, although most of what I’ve talked about today has revolved around boys. I have a newborn baby girl, and I plan on doing as much in her life as I have with my son.

Donald Miller has a great organization that he’s a part of that deals with the problem of children who don’t have fathers around: The Mentoring Project.