Affection for Your Fellow Man

I’m just getting into “The Four Loves” by C.S. Lewis, and like “Surprised by Joy” it is very informative and interesting. The particular chapter I am reading this morning is on one of the four loves - Affection. Now, I haven’t finished the chapter, so I don’t have all the information, and hence won’t be giving some verdict or definition about it. But a particular part made me think of its presence in my own life and I wanted to share about that.

Lewis noted that one of the ways in which Affection works is in relation to things and people that are “old.” Not old in an age sense, but old acquaintances and that old dog - those who have seemingly always been there. We are drawn to the familiar. And likewise we are drawn to the similar. Our choice in friends is similar to our personal library - we like all the books in there because we chose them personally - they suit us. So with our affections for friends, we choose to be around them because they are suited to us and we prefer that.

He also notes how Affection can draw us to people we seemingly would never be drawn to for any other reason (despite a lack of similarities to us) than because they are just there. We are not always affectionate toward just the people who are similar to us. And when that’s the case, Affection does something in us that is unique. Here is the passage I just read this morning:

The truly wide taste in humanity will similarly find something to appreciate in the cross-section of humanity whom one has to meet every day. In my experience it is Affection that creates this taste, teaching us first to notice, then to endure, then to smile at, then to enjoy, and finally to appreciate, the people who “happen to be there.” Made for us? Thank God, no. They are themselves, odder than you could have believed and worth far more than we guessed.

I don’t know about you, but this rang so true for me this morning. I’ll elaborate with some examples.

The first thing that came to my mind was a recent trip to Cleveland to see a Browns game with my friend Kevin. As we were riding the metro into the downtown area, at one stop a man got on and sat behind us, and I noticed he worked for the public transportation dept. He was an older man, probably 60 or so, and was only 2 feet away from me, so as I watched the scenery fly by, I also could hear his phone conversation. It seemed like he was talking to family that didn’t live nearby, and he would inquire about school and such, and implore someone to get along with their sibling and help their mother out. Without ever saying a word to him, I began to admire this man who was far away from family, but still doing his best to help by giving advice and words of love and encouragement. I wanted to talk to him, but thought it would be rude to just turn around and say, “I was listening to your conversation and you are a great guy.”

A few minutes after his phone conversation ended, something happened with a kid on the other side of the train and everyone in the area noticed it (he was enthralled with something outside and it made us all smile), and this man brought up the fact that when his daughter was younger, she used to ride with him on this very line - the entire distance of it - all the time when he was working long hours, and she knew every stop along the way. This got a few people talking a little bit, and I also engaged in the conversation, and somehow he and I sort of split off and talked about family for a little bit, and then before I knew it we were talking about God. It was soon time for us to exit, and he stayed put, but we shook hands and looked each other in the eye for a moment as we said goodbye.

What happened between us on that train is what Lewis is talking about in this chapter - Affection. Walking down the street, I can honestly say there is nothing about this guy physically (visually) that would have made me move towards him for any reason, let alone talk to him. But in the span of maybe 15-20 minutes, something happened between two guys who are quite different, yet who found out they had unique similarities as well, because we took the time to talk.

It’s all about taking the time - that’s really what I wanted to get at in this post. And it’s one of my biggest faults as a person - something I struggle with all the time. Just taking the time to be with people and talk to people I am not easily and naturally drawn to. It’s EASY for me to spend time with friends and talk to friends. But it’s HARD to spend time with and talk to people who are different. And different can be anything.

In Matthew 5:46-48, Jesus said:

If you love those who love you, what reward will you get? Are not even the tax collectors doing that? And if you greet only your own people, what are you doing more than others? Be perfect, therefore, as your heavenly Father is perfect.

There’s several important points in here:

1. Everyone can be nice to someone who’s nice to them, or to someone who’s just like them. That’s easy, anyone can do it. But we are called to go beyond that.

2. Why should we go beyond that? Jesus seemed to imply that we are rewarded if we do. (He said there’s no reward for doing the easy thing)

3. We are to be “perfect” - just like God. That sounds hard…

Let’s take a look at the first point - we are called to go beyond what is easy regarding how we relate to others. I’m going to make this one short and sweet. The main hangup we have when we encounter this is - yeah, but HOW do I go beyond and come to appreciate someone who’s not like me? Read everything up above - Lewis said that through Affection, it can happen. It’s one of the four loves, and all love comes from God. But it takes spending some time. Maybe it’s greeting the janitor in your office building every day, at first just with a short polite, Hello. Then over time, smiles develop, and after more time, so do friendships. But it takes time, and YOU have to put in the time. We are so tempted NOT to take time for people, and that’s the easy way, and we’re called to more than that.

The second point states that there’s a reason for doing so - not just because we have to, but we are rewarded. Now, don’t blow that out of proportion and think that we only do good to get good. Not true. But the nice thing is, when you put the time in to build a relationship with someone else, you DO get rewarded for your time invested. You enjoy them, you benefit from and beautiful intricacies of a relationship that probably seems odd to you and everyone else, but through following God’s directions for your life and going above and beyond the easy, there’s something special. Some of my friendships have left me in awe wondering how I could possibly have become friends with the people I have, so seemingly unlike me, yet how great it is to have them as a friend despite that. I can’t think of a time when I took the time to smile at someone, or over time befriend them that I was sorry I had.

The third point is kind of the biggie. Just be perfect, like God. Huh?!? Whenever I am reading something that seems pretty crazy, like this, I go straight to commentaries to get some clarity. This morning I read from Albert Barnes’ Notes on the Bible. And he said that “perfect” commonly means “finished, complete, pure, holy.” Note that it doesn’t mean “flawless.” Jesus makes his case to go above and beyond what is easy and natural for everyone, Christian or not - and says, therefore, be perfect like your heavenly Father. If God is perfect, He is therefore complete. To be less than that, it to be incomplete. What other people have is an incomplete love for their fellow man - just what is easy and convenient and comfortable. Jesus calls us to have a complete love for our fellow man, one that seeks out relationship even with people who are not like us, that takes time for people who we’re not always comfortable around at first. I’m not saying you should put yourself in jeopardy and hang out with a drug dealer just to be a good Christian, although for some people that is how they can do it. We have to be wise also.

So, just today or this week, or this month, look more closely at the people around you and be sure you are going above and beyond what is simply easy to do. There is a reward in it for you - the benefit of gaining interesting and amazing friendships with seemingly different people. And through seeking to do things like that in life, you are becoming more complete (more perfect) like God in that you are recognizing that all men and women were created in the image of God and that the love of Affection can do amazing things, if we allow it to.